and then the clouds parted...

and you thought you were at a dead end.  the end of your rope...and the end of you your wits...and so you gave up.
or so you thought.
you just needed that little push in the right direction, but at that point, definition of "right" existed in the intersection where chaos meets confusion.  what was right was buried deep within the layers of feeling frustration, gloom, and worry.   

so you numbed and shielded yourself from those uncomfortable feelings and you put them there.  in that box. sealed tightly and out of sight...  
{but never out of mind}

...still, secretly looking for that light...that hope...
that spark to ignite your lonely flame.
just when you thought it was going to pour

the clouds parted...
and you saw a the smallest glimmer of hope that gave you the
long awaited strength to push through and smile.

//

last week i had the privilege to attend a conference for work in florida concentrating on specific teaching strategies for my classroom.  i left kansas city in a state of worry and sadness, knowing that i would miss my little family and perhaps that i would not allow myself the chance to grow because of that.  but grow did i ever.  my eyes were surprisingly opened to new ways of approaching education.  there, in that setting with many other teachers with whom i found out were feeling many of the same things i was, i got a much needed shove in the right direction.  from them, i got a healthy dose of hope and positivity.

i have been on that fence, you know the one where you question everything.  that wavering fence where you go back and forth, back and forth, about various choices you need to make in life.  for me specifically, it has been about going back to work.  ...more aptly put, if i should go back to work, all the while knowing that debating that question is pointless.  i have to go back.  we can not afford for me to stay home, yet.

since the second i drove out of the school parking lot i have had apprehensive doubts about being a teacher this upcoming fall.  it didn't seem possible for me to enjoy being a mama and a teacher at the silly perfectionist state i desire.  so of course, mamahood won that mind battle and i have built up a wall of fear and doubt throughout the course of this summer break.

behind that wall i have dwelled on the fact that being an effective teacher might not be in the cards for me anymore.  this has left me feeling sad and worried about this summer coming to an end because i knew i had to back.  i have forced myself to put those feelings of angst on a shelf, tucked away in a place i knew i could access them when it wasn't forced, and when i was ready.  i must admit, i didn't think i would ever be ready to face those feelings head on because i truly believed they would never be alleviated.  i feared going back and not being excited about it.  and if i know one thing, it is that teachers need to really love their job otherwise they are doing themselves, the kids, and the world a disservice by merely showing up and getting through the day.  i never wanted to be that kind of teacher.  ever.  

so that moment i secretly craved and really, really need came this past weekend when my eyes were opened to a little thing called hope.  i am forever grateful for getting to experience the awesome power of good teachers and the love they have for students all across the united states.  it was invigorating to just be in the same room as many of them, and i am anxiously awaiting to take that passion and apply it to my own teaching experiences this upcoming school year.

and now, because of those parting clouds, i am finally excited about getting back into my classroom.  i now know that i just needed some inspiration and a fresh perspective to get me in a positive mindset.  it feels great to "be back" so to speak, because i know that teaching is my passion and i owe it to myself to cultivate that.

motherhood // my lunch date with stella

today i got the wonderful opportunity, also my very first opportunity, to go visit baby girl over my lunch hour.  it was take your child to work day at school, so naturally there were many students absent.  thankfully, a coworker and i teamed up and so we each got a longer break for lunch.  yippie!

like a bird let out of it's cage, i eagerly flew over to our sitter's home {about three minutes away} and found my little turkey sitting there like a big girl with her lady friends, in a semi-circle might i add, sucking down green beans and discussing how to solve the world's problems.  well, not really, but their adorably confident babble and self-assured head nods indicated that they knew perfectly well what the other was saying.  if only you could have been there!  they might as well have been 80 year old grannys sitting around playing a game of bridge.   

*be still my beating heart*

seeing miss stella sit there so calm and patient with the other little ones made me bubble over with happiness.  being the smallest one in the group, she observed the others very carefully, mimicking their eating habits and being very polite.  i could tell she was thinking, "mama, i a big girl now, too."  i sat there on the floor in a heap with teary eyes thinking to myself, "yes...yes, baby girl.  you are growing up so fast sitting there eating big girl food.  so, yes, i suppose you are a big girl now, too."  

together she and i sat while she finished her lunch.  afterwards we headed outdoors and played on a blanket in the grass.  she picked a few blades, i snuck a few smooches, and then as fast as i had gotten there, my time was up.  

a big part of me pouted on the inside, arms folded and all, for i was dreading going back for fear of missing out.  i anxiously thought to myself, what if she does this...or...what if she says that...and i am not there to see it?  this is a fear i have to combat daily as a working mama.  over time i have realized it's a pointless fear because it causes me more distress than good.  

knowing she is in wonderful hands, i put my big girl pants on and took a giant deep breath.  and you know what?  this fear started to slip away and new feelings took it's place.  i started to feel excitement and anticipation for what lies ahead in just a few short weeks: summer!  

the end of may will not only bring baby girl's 1st birthday, but also a long string of lunch dates i get to have with my little lady.  

...for that thought alone is what gets me through.