on being true // a new year reflection

with a new year brings new perspective. it also brings more bobby pins found under seat cushions, more books to read on shelves, more exotic condiments found in the corners of the fridge, more travel sized hand creams, a few stretch marks here and there, and a bit more wisdom, too. or so i think.

over my holiday break i have been reflecting on how i have grown over the course of this last year.  i've asked myself, "what is different about me now?  what has changed in me throughout this last year?"

the best way to put it, is to describe this new and refreshing feeling that has planted it's fragile roots within me that has barely begun to grow.  the seeds that were scattered must have been scattered by me, but were done so unintentionally for the most part and not forced, as most good things that come about are.  i mean, the completely unintentional almost always turns out to be pure magic, right?

the seeds that were scattered within my soul contain pockets of truth: truth to myself.  authenticity if you will.  what has recently begun to awaken in me this past year is the daring and somewhat scary ability to be real to who i really am as a wife, a mama, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a teacher, a creator, and a writer.  i am learning to really to trust myself.  to love all of myself, even the parts i always wished i could change in an instant.  and to really be proud of the person i am and the choices i have made.  

this year i have settled more comfortably in my own skin then ever before but boy is it ever scary.  we all know it is soooo much easier to wrap up in someone else's identity because we know it has been accepted and that it looks good because others have already deemed it wonderful.  there is no risk involved.  it's safe.  and it's probably really cozy, too.  

what's more? is not fun to think that others may not like how you've decided to wrap yourself up.  they may just think it down right stinks.  and that is frightening because that whole "sticks and stones business," well that's a bunch of horse you know what.  because words do hurt and let's not pretend they don't.  {is that where confidence comes in??? yes. i think so.}

i feel like for the past, well...as long as i can remember {i am talking middle school here}, i have been searching for something to wrap myself up in, a figurative trendy/unique but not really/gorgeous sweater perhaps to put on, cloaking myself into a certain identity i thought i wanted or needed to be in order to just "fit".  thankfully, maturity and self awareness have lead me down the path of making that sweater for myself {yikes!} instead of trying to buy or replicate one i have seen working on/for others.  granted, i do not know how to sew (literally OR figuratively) so my sweater is a bit of a work in progress.  but such is life. and that's what makes it beautiful and mine.  

i think in today's world where everyone puts everything out there to try and trump others or impress just to be on top makes it easy to see someone or something and say, i want to be just like that, or i need that in my life, too, in order to be a part of the "in crowd."  well.  i think the in crowd is a bit of a bore and sadly, the media is turning too many people into lookalike labels and inner truths are being lost. this saddens me.  but i totally get why.  with all of these blogs, instagram, pinterest, etc. it is almost impossible to not walk away feeling tattered and somehow downtrodden.  inspiration can seem overwhelming at times, and make the ordinary feel somehow less.  but i suppose i am leaning that there is no such thing as ordinary or simple when it has meaning to you.  and as for what everyone else thinks, that's for the birds! 

so this past year, in 2012, somehow, someway, i started knitting for myself and for my family, and it feels truly wonderful and more comfortable than any other i could possible dream up or replicate.  it's true.  and i love it. 

in addition to focusing on our family's little goals centered on time, i shall keep this tiny flame lit and let it wander where it must in order to thrive.

happy 2013 to you.