and then the clouds parted...

and you thought you were at a dead end.  the end of your rope...and the end of you your wits...and so you gave up.
or so you thought.
you just needed that little push in the right direction, but at that point, definition of "right" existed in the intersection where chaos meets confusion.  what was right was buried deep within the layers of feeling frustration, gloom, and worry.   

so you numbed and shielded yourself from those uncomfortable feelings and you put them there.  in that box. sealed tightly and out of sight...  
{but never out of mind}

...still, secretly looking for that light...that hope...
that spark to ignite your lonely flame.
just when you thought it was going to pour

the clouds parted...
and you saw a the smallest glimmer of hope that gave you the
long awaited strength to push through and smile.

//

last week i had the privilege to attend a conference for work in florida concentrating on specific teaching strategies for my classroom.  i left kansas city in a state of worry and sadness, knowing that i would miss my little family and perhaps that i would not allow myself the chance to grow because of that.  but grow did i ever.  my eyes were surprisingly opened to new ways of approaching education.  there, in that setting with many other teachers with whom i found out were feeling many of the same things i was, i got a much needed shove in the right direction.  from them, i got a healthy dose of hope and positivity.

i have been on that fence, you know the one where you question everything.  that wavering fence where you go back and forth, back and forth, about various choices you need to make in life.  for me specifically, it has been about going back to work.  ...more aptly put, if i should go back to work, all the while knowing that debating that question is pointless.  i have to go back.  we can not afford for me to stay home, yet.

since the second i drove out of the school parking lot i have had apprehensive doubts about being a teacher this upcoming fall.  it didn't seem possible for me to enjoy being a mama and a teacher at the silly perfectionist state i desire.  so of course, mamahood won that mind battle and i have built up a wall of fear and doubt throughout the course of this summer break.

behind that wall i have dwelled on the fact that being an effective teacher might not be in the cards for me anymore.  this has left me feeling sad and worried about this summer coming to an end because i knew i had to back.  i have forced myself to put those feelings of angst on a shelf, tucked away in a place i knew i could access them when it wasn't forced, and when i was ready.  i must admit, i didn't think i would ever be ready to face those feelings head on because i truly believed they would never be alleviated.  i feared going back and not being excited about it.  and if i know one thing, it is that teachers need to really love their job otherwise they are doing themselves, the kids, and the world a disservice by merely showing up and getting through the day.  i never wanted to be that kind of teacher.  ever.  

so that moment i secretly craved and really, really need came this past weekend when my eyes were opened to a little thing called hope.  i am forever grateful for getting to experience the awesome power of good teachers and the love they have for students all across the united states.  it was invigorating to just be in the same room as many of them, and i am anxiously awaiting to take that passion and apply it to my own teaching experiences this upcoming school year.

and now, because of those parting clouds, i am finally excited about getting back into my classroom.  i now know that i just needed some inspiration and a fresh perspective to get me in a positive mindset.  it feels great to "be back" so to speak, because i know that teaching is my passion and i owe it to myself to cultivate that.