motherhood // from one mother to another

it's hard to believe seven months ago i was sicker than i'd ever been, emotionally and physically drained, in and out of the hospital while growing this little guy.  now in the haze of newborn joy where everything smells like mamas milk and tiny diapers are scattered about, i can hardly recall just how sick i was.  i know it happened and that it strained our family, but like a summer rain storm, it has moved on and filled that squall with a rainbow.  and now here we are, one day after alfie's due date and happily far beyond that a small but arduous chapter of our big, beautiful story.  

despite the fuzziness of my first and second trimesters, i distinctly remember lying in in my bed, hooked up to an IV, feeling like forty weeks would never arrive.  my close friends kept telling me to try and look beyond the fog and see each trial as a blessing from god.  because that's easy, right?  but truthfully and most importantly, i was growing a very healthy babe, and even though my body was tired and weak, it would soon again regain strength, my arms holding enfolding the newest family member snug on my chest.  my woman warriors, my persistent and present and lovely mama friends, told me that this time of my life (yes all hard ten months of it) would sink into the foundation of my being and make me stronger and better and more grateful.  i would hardly remember it, they said.  although unable to really see through the muck of sickness and fully believe them at the time, were they ever right.  i don't know what i would have done without their constant showering of hope from one mother to another. 

so i say, now in the thick of happiness at home with my little clan, to any mamas having a rough go right now, whether sick and pregnant, trying to conceive, or simply in simply in a difficult phase of life and motherhood that seems to be digging you a rather immense hole, keep hope and faith.  cling to it with all your might and know there's sunshine waiting for you.  life is one giant cycle and sometimes we are up, and other times down.  your time will come.  a big rainbow is waiting to fill up your sky.

and if you're in a bright place in your life, a place where your biggest concern is lack of sleep or having piles of laundry to do, now is the time to be that light for others.  to change roles from patient to nurse and give back.  i am learning that life will always be messy and busy and hard, whether you have one baby or three.  i am trying to always remember that, and meanwhile, grace, grace, grace.  

i see this as my calling now in this current season: to offer those i know are suffering or in a difficult place the support and encouragement to wake up and do life, no matter how hard, and be thankful for it.  to be a mama warrior alongside them.  to bring them a giant iced coffee and pretty smelling lotion.  to swing by with dinner or just warm hug.  to be present, just as i needed those closest to me to be, to help my fellow mama friends see beyond the ominous clouds in their life and let them know that they are not alone.  this pregnancy has taught me so much, my community has taught me countless lessons, and although things are a bit hectic figuring out our family's new rhythm, we are all heathy, full of joy, and ready to be a source of optimism for others.  to those who helped me, thank you a thousand times over.  

motherhood // and so we wait and surrender

“life is always a rich and steady time when you are waiting for something to happen or hatch” e.b. white from charlotte’s web 

for the past few weeks since we hit full term, i feel as though i can hear the earth's clock ticking.  each profound second, a thick, dull thud, slowly yet steadily creeping round the bend until yet another full minute has gone by.  it's how funny life works.  how patience works.  how ridiculously emotional one can be.  how one week you can be praying for more time, for things to stretch out and linger, and in the subsequent one, wishing life to fly by and land on one precise dot, that future moment you've been dreaming about for months.  how silly we are to wish for things to hurry up, then slow down, and then hurry up again and just happen already.  i am guilty of such silliness.  in taking a step back i see just how wise god truly is, always keeping us in a place of need and on our toes...gently suggesting through our trials and sufferings that we bend our knees and offer our worries and woes up to him, helping us see that the answer lies in surrendering and inching away from the illusion that we are in control of his plan. 

as our family anticipates the arrival of our little one (who is due to arrive any day now) we are met with every emotion.  we are already three weeks past when we delivered our other babies (three whole weeks!) meaning that we will not be delivering a preemie.  interestingly enough, i did not go on progesterone with this pregnancy, however i did get steroids just in case our sweetie needed lung support if early like his/her brother and sister.  all of this being said, we are overjoyed to have made it to this point.  but now that i have reached that full-term mark, i am finding that i am feeling rather ready to get labor going.  seriously, amanda, settle down already.  enough with the wanting!  but if i am being honest here, i have grown tired of the scores upon scores of contractions that that have taken over by tightening and paining my now very sore body.  as i lay on the couch or bed, i'll feel one coming on and so i'll start the timer on my phone, only to find out an hour later that they were false.  and so it goes.  but with each twinge and long pause, my hands gripping the corner of a pillow, i know that they are not in vain.  my body is smart and strong and is getting ready by testing my weary self, preparing me for an impending time when things will indeed be real and i will have needed all that prep work in my back pocket.

as for other things i am learning on this journey, let's throw "embracing the now" into the mix.  as the shadow of my belly outstretches over my red painted toes, i am learning how important it is to be present.  to stop thinking that happiness lies in something based in the future, no matter how badly i want it.  to soak up the richness of all that is right now, albeit quite plodding and pokey, and enjoy these final moments as a family of four.  to relish in our weekends of waking up slowing and reading the paper and chasing the kids around the yard.  to having no plans and keeping it that way.  i love that when i need a good nudge out of my anxiousness, andrew is right there to remind me, "let's take one day at a time, honey." and he's right.  one day, one hour...to allow this slow drip commence and consume us, not in a way that ushers in impatience, but one that fosters gratitude for the gift we've been given to grow a healthy baby.  thank god for that.  

lately i'll catch myself thinking back to that newborn smell, the one of softness and sweetness, the smell that envelopes a mama heart right after they've been born.  i'll reminisce, longing to breathe it in.  i'll think about that and the whole experience of delivery, taking a deep breath, aware that in a matter of a few weeks (or more realistically mere days) i will get to experience this all over again, but with time most likely no nicu.  i dream of our doctor placing our tiny babe in my arms, rather than being whisked away only to be hooked up to tiny wires and tubes.  these thoughts, among other things such as sticking to routine and immersing myself in simple tasks such as baking banana bread and reading to the kids before nap time, are helping me stay calm.  each chore accomplished and each fading sunset reminding me that we are getting closer to meeting our baby.  however, i would be amiss if i did not tell you that there are indeed other times, more fast paced ones, when growing this baby and nearing the finish line feels more like i am running full speed down a steep hill, making me give into the momentum that is carrying me.  this momentum, however scary and powerful, is giving me grace and forcing me to let go.  to again surrender, and know that god, not me, has this.  in the thick of this imbalance where calm and crazy meet, letting go is what wins.  it's what gives me permission to go about life peacefully, presently, laced with a glowing lining of thankfulness. 

so as the hours tick on and we wait for our precious baby, we will be keeping to the rhythm of our everyday.  a load of laundry in the morning, followed by coffee and something sweet.  painting and drawing before nap time, followed by lunch on the porch, even if it's raining outside.  our later afternoons filled with puzzles and playing with tractors.  a simple supper prepared, nothing too fancy, flavored with herbs from our garden.  and before bedtime, few books, bubble baths, and maybe a movie.  and so we wait.  

essential oils // natural birth kit & gentle baby body balm recipe

while beautiful and miraculous, plainly put, giving birth is very hard work.  from both of my experiences, having a baby it is not only physically taxing but very emotionally challenging too.  i think many of us assume, and correctly so, that it will hurt hurt hurt.  while true, i feel that pregnant moms, myself especially included, are unable (undoubtably for good reason) to grasp the toll that labor and delivery will take on their hearts emotionally speaking.  i feel those expecting have a perfect package wrapped up in our minds and when that doesn't unfold the way we've been hoping, everything within our reach, or so it seems, is susceptible to crumble like a dried out sand castle.  or at least that's how i felt in those immediate hours after having given birth.  as excited and overjoyed i was to meet both of our babies, each experience was rather overwhelming.  when a precious life is involved, the stakes are high, and possibly as high as a one can go.  when i think back to how i felt when i had both stella and theodore, the physical pain i had in those intense moments of labor and delivery was fervent, coupled with the raw emotional pendulum we felt chained to as our babies were whisked away from our teary eyes and into the nicu where all was uncertain for far too long.  

let me boldy say, birth is amazing.  it is most definitely beyond and above stringing together words and it is thee most beautiful gift.  but, is also so hard.  growing, having, and meeting our babies was undoubtedly one of the most humble seasons of my life, and if i am being honest, the entire journey was and still is very difficult to emotionally navigate.  i think about those times in the hospital quite a bit, reflecting on each moment as i know i'll be experiencing this all again very soon.  although i am well aware that things could be very different this time around, and i pray every day that they will be, we are taking a few extra steps to help both my physical and emotional healing while i stay in the hospital.  for our third labor and delivery i am taking with me my oils birth kit.  it is packed with simple and natural forms of comfort and healing to aid throughout the whole process.  i have already started using some of these oils to help prepare my body for giving birth, and use certain oils to help calm me down throughout the day when feeling anxious or sensing unease.  i feel so blessed to have these little bottles to help me when i need it, and love even more that they are pure, safe, and made by god.  knowing that i'll have this tool kit gives me a tremendous amount of contentment and i am happy to share it with you. 

gentle baby blend: i'll be diffusing this blend during labor and delivery to help calm emotions and create a beautiful atmosphere as we welcome our little love into the world.  i adore the smell of this oil blend and have been wearing it and diffusing it regularly throughout my pregnancy.  it contains some of my favorite calming oils: lavender, geranium, roman chamomile, rosewood, jasmine, palmarosa, rose, bergamot, ylang ylang, and lemon.  it smells like the loveliest garden and it is what i want to smell during those times of discomfort.  in addition to diffusing, i made a gentle babies body balm with this oil that i've packed in our hospital bag to use after delivery to help my skin.  every oil in this blend is beneficial for skin regeneration and combined with carrier oils it is very soothing.  i will be applying this all over in the hospital, as i am currently, to my belly and legs and back to help my skin as it changes and stretches daily.  this oils blend is also safe for babes when used correctly and one we will be using once our little one is born.

my gentle baby body balm recipe: 

with a hand mixer, whip 1/2 cup of organic coconut oil and 1/4 cup of shea butter until smooth.  add 30 drops of gentle baby oil (you can add a few drops of lavender to this if you are wanting to help calm your uterus down) to the whipped oil mixture and blend in.  melt one teaspoon of organic bees wax pellets in a mason jar.  you can do this using a double boiler method on the stove.  once the bees wax is melted, and stir oils mixture into the wax until fully incorporated.  store in a cool place overnight to let set.  this mixture will harden a little bit creating a soothing yet very soft body balm.  

lavender: this versatile oil is one i have been using throughout my entire pregnancy.  not only does it promote relaxation and help relieve pain, but it may help calm the uterus if experiencing early contractions.  i keep this one nearby and use it neat on my lower abdomen if i cannot get my pre-labor contractions to settle down, which i have been having a lot of.  this oil, paired with a large glass of ice water and laying on my side have helped me and my baby relax. 

claraderm spray: i have heard amazing things about this oil blend spray.  it is a bit of a splurge, but after all i have heard and read i think it will be quite worth it since it contains so many oils that together, create the perfect healing blend for both pre and post delivery.  the oils in this spray are myrrh, tea tree, lavender, frankincense, roman chamomile, and helichrysum with a coconut oil base.  because it is diluted with a carrier, it is safe to spray on your lady bits and is suggested you do so not only after delivering, but also before labor as early as a few months out.  myrrh serves as a liquid bandaid helping avoid infection, lavender and frankincense sooth and heal, roman chamomile is good for skin regeneration and calming, tea tree is anti-bacterial, and helichrysum is known for its amazing restorative and healing properties.  

geranium: this oil is one that can help the perineum before delivering.  to one ounce of almond oil, add ten or so drops of geranium and massage.  this can help prevent tearing during delivery and make for a smoother recovery.  i plan on using this in a sitz bath after delivery as well as this oil is known to help with pain and inflammation.  in addition to helping pull together tissues after delivery, this oil may also help stimulate circulation which in turn can facilitate easier breathing during difficult bouts of labor.

peppermint: this oil may be helpful to relieve nausea before or during labor.  it's a good one to have on hand if you are in need of immediate relief.  i will put a drop of it on the roof of my mouth or simply smell from the bottle if i am feeling sick to my stomach.  note: this oil may hinder your milk supply so keep that in mind.

lemon: adding a drop to ice water may help with swelling and water retention.  i have been doing this once a day to act as a gentle detox to help keep things moving in my system.  it also peps up my water which is nice since i am strictly supposed to be drinking like a hundred glasses a day.

fennel: this oil can help boost your milk supply!  i am bring it along to help increase my lactation by swallowing a drop in a tablespoon of honey a few times before heading home.

peace and calming: i'll be diffusing this blend at night in the hospital and applying on my spine and feet to get a restful (as restful as one can in a hospital) sleep. 

clary sage: this oil is used to help speed along labor, but given that i am in need of the opposite i will not be adding this to my personal birth kit.  however, i do have friends who have used this to help induce labor and swear by it.

gentle babies book: this recourse is one that has helped our family tremendously.  we will be packing it along in our hospital bag as well. 

*if you are new to oils or are wanting more information regarding safety etc. please read below.  if you are wanting to order oils of your own or create your own birth kit, click this link and create a wholesale account.  feel free to leave a comment or shoot me an email if you have further questions!

it's important to note that oils are a great tool to have when it comes to practicing wellness, no matter the season, but if used without knowledge they can be harmful, just like medicine that is used irresponsibly.  this by no means should deter you from using them because they are a great way to keep your family healthy naturally throughout the seasons, just do your homework and play it safe.  education, education, education friends!  also, the information contained on this website is not meant to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.  the information represents what i, an independent distributer of young living essential oils, have chosen to do to take charge of my own personal health and that of my family.  statements on this website have not been evaluated by the food and drug administration.  products on this site are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.  if you are pregnant, nursing, taking medication, or have a medical condition please consult your physical before using these products.  furthermore, information found on this site is meant for educational and informational purposes only, and to motivate you to make your own health and dietary decisions based upon your own research and partnership with your healthcare provider. 

why young living oils you ask?  our family chose to use young living essential oils because they are a seed to seal company, meaning they plant, cultivate, distill, test, and seal the product resulting in a product that is genuine, free of synthetic chemicals, and unmatched in purity.  it is important to note: not all oils are safe to consume or to use even on small humans; furthermore, many oils you find in the supermarket are either diluted or are comprised of a variety of ingredients that will not give you the same health benefits as a product like young living.  i have learned you must check the labels on the oils and do your own research before ingesting any oils, no matter the brand.  likewise, is important to practice caution with any oil or natural remedy you are using at home to ensure the safety of you and your family.  

motherhood // preterm labor & our hospital bag

as i lay in bed with my feet propped up and a cool fan on my face, i am noticing that this sweet babe growing in this belly on mine must be taking a nap, for he or she is usually full of spark, kicking here and there, even rolling across my stomach visible for all to see.  but now, it's late morning and all is calm.  i'll take the calm.  it's a welcomed change of pace.

i am currently thirty three weeks along, and these past few have been a whirlwind to say the least.  because perhaps life in the springtime brings on a season of doing and planting and prepping and such, or being that i get to chase a little boy who loves to eat dirt around all day, my pregnant body has been favoring pre labor contractions for quite some time now.  it has been a bit uncomfortable and rather worrisome, given that we've been down this road of delivering early before.  there has never been a reason as to why i deliver early, other than that is just what happens.  and i suppose if one were to really analyze why my body has been contracting so soon for awhile now, one would eventually chalk it up to because my body just does.  because after drinking all the water and taking all the rests and doing everything my doctor has said, i have been having about four to five contractions an hour.  every hour.  for about a month.  so as of last week, i went in for some steroid treatments to help baby's lungs and tests (fetal fibronectin) that were able to tell us that i would probably not be delivering within the next week or two.  such beautiful news!  alas, i was sent home with strict instructions to "take it easy" aka "bed rest" with minimal to no stairs, no exercise, no lifting, no difficult chores, no getting out of breath etc.  which is easier said than done for a busy body who looks after little ones from sun up to sun down.  but if we can keep this baby cooking for another month, i'll do anything.  so i am cheerfully abiding and while accepting help from anyone that will offer it.  oh you want to bring over street tacos for supper?  okay.  i suppose.  :)  just don't forget the hot sauce. 

much to my disbelief at how fast this all has gone in these final weeks, we are nearing the end of this journey and are so close to meeting this sweet baby of ours.  since i delivered early at 35 weeks with both stella and theodore, packing our hospital bag is my first step in recognizing this is happening.  the bag sitting there by our nursery says, "yes, this is all very real and you are prepared."  i think every new parent, no matter how many children they have, go through a stage of nervousness before meeting their little one.  i think it would be silly not to!  taking care of and raising a little human is an extraordinary responsibility and believe it's a good thing to want to have all your ducks in a row before bringing the new baby home.  my internal mama monologue has been steadily whispering, "are we ready for this?  can i handle this?  three is a big jump from two, because hello...we will be outnumbered!"  but of course we are ready.  i am ready, and quite giddily so.  we cannot wait to stare into the dark eyes of this little one, to breathe in his or her sweet newborn scent, to wake in the middle of the night to nurse and cuddle.  yes we are ready, but keep on baking little bun, we want you to be healthy and strong when you come into the world!

in packing a hospital bag, i am taken back to the time that i didn't have one when we delivered stella.  i laid there on the couch laboring, mind you after my water had broke on a patio when we were out for burgers here in kanas city, and andrew went about in a new dad frenzy shoving things here and there in a duffle.  we forgot nearly everything as i laid there, mid contraction fatigue, telling him, "don't forget the baby clothes!" and "grab me a comfortable skirt to wear!"  not only did we pack far too many things we did not need, but andrew laid out black pencil skirt for me to wear in the thick of this laboring madness.  he was sure that was what i would have wanted to deliver in, never mind the narrowness of said schoolmarm skirt.  we still laugh at that today, him asking me if my pencil skirt has been washed and ready to go for the big event.  and white panties?  no, no, no.  do not bring those either.  

this time around, our third adventure of delivering a baby, we are starting things a little early at thirty three weeks and doing our best to stay ahead of the game.  we will be staying overnight in the hospital with a possibility of having our little one come early, so the contents of this bag are rather substantial to what you may consider.  in keeping with the essentials, plus a few extras to make our hospital stay more comfortable, here is what i have thus far to help me though labor, delivery, and everything to make my recovery in the hours afterward a smooth one.  *some items below are linked to things we have purchased and are going to use, other's not linked are most likely hand-me-downs or do not have a source.  

for mama:

- a few comfy pillows from home
- a soft, stretchy robe
- slippers and a pair of warm wool socks
- lip balm
- a few nursing bras that are comfortable enough to sleep in
- nursing pads
- many pairs of dark underwear 
- two loose fitting tee shirts
- comfortable feminine pads (the ones they give you are practically diapers, and while that's all and good, they are not the most pleasant while walking around)
- body balm (i am making mine and will share the recipe in my oils post)
- one pretty going home shirt (you'll be a bit swollen, or at least i always am, and something pretty helps me feel extra nice on that last day in the hospital) 
- a pair of button down pjs (to make it easy to nurse or pump in the night)
- normal toiletries (i am keeping mine in a bag in the bathroom, ready to go whenever but also ready for everyday use, and don't forget shampoo and conditioner and minimal makeup) 
- two pairs of stretchy, cozy pants (such as yoga pants or thick leggings)
- a warm cardigan for walking the cold hallway
- face towelettes (i love the sage and cucumber made by burt's bees)
- essential oils (i will be doing a post on this later this week about the specific ones i am bringing and why)
- massage oil (i am using ortho ease to help with pain after delivery)
- oil diffuser for delivery and after to calm 
- camera, chargers, and computer
- two warm and comfortable outfits for your husband (hospitals are freezing at night!)
- a few snacks and mints 
- a heating pad for back pain

for our little one: 

- a few cozy and soft onesies (we love the ones with the open bottoms to make changing easier, and if your little one is in the nicu, it helps keep the wires from tangling)
- a soft hat and pair of booties
- a paci (we used this in the nicu for comfort when we were not able to hold our little ones)
- baby blanket
- a few books to read to your babe (we loved doing this with both babes whilst in the nicu)
- two swaddle wraps, one thin and one a bit thicker for layering in the nicu crib 
- a warm and comfortable going home outfit
- approved car seat

i like to gather everything up and wash it all with our baby detergent before packing it away.  for the things that you use everyday, like toiletries and such, make a list and leave it somewhere easy to find, like the top of your night stand or in the bathroom cupboard.  that way, when it is time to finish packing essentials and head towards the hospital you or your husband, depending on who's doing the packing at that point, can remember what else should be included!

motherhood // pregnancy reflections in my second trimester

it's rather hard for me to believe i am almost half way through my third pregnancy.  yes, almost half way!  it was not until i sat down a few afternoons ago, i mean really hunkered down, feeling the weight of my pregnant body sink into the middle of our couch, that i reflected on the gravity of where my life right now.  i am about to be a mother of three.  

sometimes i'll be going about my day and i'll unknowingly take a backseat view to my life, seeing things with a rather wide scope.  it is in those moments that i wish i had magical powers to "push pause" and let everything settle.  you know, just make things stand still for a bit so i can soak in every scent, catch every moment, and feel every ounce of all that is going on with this little family of mine.  my babies are growing up too fast (just like everyone else babies) and i miss the stages that are long gone, like nursing to sleep and stella saying "shockadile" instead of crocodile.  that is the bittersweet part of parenthood: just when your babes outgrow something adorable they surprise you all over again with a new sweet something that becomes the new favorite.

and just in case you haven't seen theodore on instagram lately, he's basically a teenager now.  i swear he just woke up one day and decided not to be a baby anymore.  how rude!

then there are other times on the opposite side of the spectrum where our life seems to be keeping the perfect pace.  where the rhythms of our chapters are on course, flowing just as they should.  i feel this way when i think about the little one that will join our family this summer.  god's timing is pretty great.

reflecting on pregnancy wells up a range of emotions for me.  i am sure i've said it before, but what an awesome and beautiful responsibility being pregnant is.  to think i have (almost) made three humans.  my goodness!  i feel blessed and grateful for having the opportunity to have grow and carry these little people.  i have found each pregnancy to be a humbling experience, each very different from the others, full of their own nuances and distinctions, giving me different feelings, different surprises, different joys, shaping me into the mother and wife i am today.

caring our third baby has been the most difficult physically speaking, but right alongside the tumultuousness has come the most surprising cadence of calming waves crashing my shoreline whenever i seem to need a solid reminder that although difficult, this process is so good and so beautiful.  here is an example of one of those calming waves: stella came up to me in bed the other morning and gave me a hug.  my contacts were not yet in, my eyes were barely open, but open enough to see her standing there in nothing but reindeer pajama pants.  my belly, now starting to round and fill out, grazed hers as she leaned in, gently reminding her that she is going to be a sister again.  without hesitation, she bent down and kissed my bare stomach.  twice.  and then she went about twirling on the floorboards of our bedroom, requesting cereal and daniel tiger.  it was short and sweet, yet still, i was left speechless and in tears.

i suppose what makes this pregnancy so much different from the previous two is that we get to share it with our other babies, namely three and a half year old stella.  this time around, stell is a big part of it all, loving and understanding that she will be getting a brother or sister this summer.  our oldest will be four right around when the baby is born and i am quite sure she will assume the role of "little mama" right away.  our sweet girl knows her world is changing and that as a big sister to a new baby, her role will take on new a meaning here in a few months.  i can't want to see that unfold.

not only does stella freely offer up smooches for my growing belly but she has become quite helper, too.  she accompanies me to the doctor's office whereupon she is given the very important task of holding the heartbeat monitor.  most of the time the sound coming out is made up of fuzzy frequencies as we search for baby's beating heart, but stella's sparkling brown eyes tell a different story.  "i am a big, big girl," they say.  "i am a helper.  i am important."  our doctor makes sure she feels included the whole time and you can tell how much she appreciates it by the way she carries herself afterward.  as we drive back home she'll tell me about that fast-paced beat she heard.  "bum bum, bum bum, bum bum," smiling all the while.  these moments shared with stella have impacted me so much as a mother.  they happen when i least expect it and carry me through the difficulty moments of nausea and exhaustion.  there's nothing sweeter nor more satisfying than seeing my babies engage with their fellow siblings, even if one of them isn't born yet.

despite having hyperemesis, i feel surprisingly more at peace being pregnant than i ever have before.  i am sure one big reason it is because my body is mostly familiar with all the changes taking place: restless legs at nighttime, a burgeoning tummy, shortness of breath, a general sleepiness throughout the day.  typical pregnancy stuff.  i knew these things were coming, and now that they're here, i have been able to transition much easier having felt this way before.  but i think the main reason for my calmer state is that my perspective on delivering our baby (and really the whole process of pregnancy in general) has taken on a much more accepting tone, contrasting my previous anxiousness surrounding my experiences delivering both stella and theodore.  i now know what to expect come june when our little baby will make his or her arrival in this world.

and by saying i know what to expect i mean that i know not to expect anything at all!  

both stella and theodore were born early and had to spend time in the nicu after i gave birth.  with stella i delivered early with no reasoning behind why.  my water broke in public while having dinner (at blanc burgers if you are local!  that was fuuuun.) and a few hours later she was whisked away to another part of the hospital, and not in my arms where i thought she'd be.  the whole experience was very difficult for me, for i had all these built up expectations: to hold my baby right away, to do skin to skin, breastfeed like they do on national geo, you know, all of the romanticized things they tell you about in baby classes.  none of that happened.  she was taken almost immediately by a team of doctors and nurses to the intensive care unit as i lay there in shock trying to make sense of a confusing and fast-paced situation, all the while wondering, "why wasn't my baby still inside my body?"  the first time we saw tiny stella was hours later, her little body covered in tubes and wires.  i will never forget that fragile moment, really seeing her for the first time.  it changed me.

when pregnant with theodore i went the route of taking weekly progesterone injections to prevent early labor.  it didn't work.  again, i delivered early and our little baby was taken away the nicu to recover where he would get help to strengthen his lungs before we could bring him home.  his journey into this world mirrored his big sister's exactly.  experiencing the same thing two times in a row was difficult, but it taught me a lot.

the overall helplessness i felt in both situations helped shape the way i view my current pregnancy, and i suppose many aspects of life general.  they have shown me a glimpse of the important life lesson: expectations can be pretty silly and you should probably get rid of them.  like right now, throw them away!  i've learned that if you set yourself up for perfection no matter the situation, disappointment will creep in, someway, somehow.  as perfectionist myself, this harsh reality has taken me longer to learn and is something deal with on a daily basis.  i have come to feel as though we can utterly exhaust ourselves with worry when making expectations for things that are completely out of our control.  i have done this so many times.  i did this throughout my first two pregnancies and was left feeling hurt and confused.  of course my heart swelled with joy at the birth of our children, but i think i let my devastation surrounding their delivery and recovery overshadow a lot of the early days and weeks after they were born.  through both experiences with stella and theodore, i've learned that i need to trust in god and know that what he is doing is best.  this is not something i leaned on then, but i am now and am grateful for having god in my life again.  trust, trust, trust.  may those words be a constant hum always in my heart, because doing so has brought about immeasurable calmness and peace as a mother, wife, friend, and daughter.

39/52

"a portrait of my children, once a week, every week, in 2013."

stella: given this amazing autumn weather, we've been spending a lot of time at the park with the ducks lately.  stella love them so, but their poop...not so much.  she is always exclaiming, "mama, poops ever wear."  toddler speak is sweeter than honey.

baby boy: i am so ready to get to know this little gentleman of mine.  i dream about holding him close to my chest and breathing in his newborn scent.  i have a feeling we will be meeting soon. 

handmade // sip and see invitations

have you ever heard of a sip and see?  well, i suppose it's like a baby shower, minus the showering part.  and there will be cocktails...oh yes, an array of yummy drinks!  i am dreaming up a mimosa bar with fun juices and champagne, to be precise.  but all those details will come later. 

andrew and i have decided to have a little gathering after our baby boy is born rather than a shower before hand.  given that he is our second babe and we have no need for gifts (and i really really dislike party games) we thought inviting people to our home after his birth to celebrate our new addition would be the perfect idea, complete with some fancy drinks of course, hence the sip.  we are doing an open house from noon to four for people to drop by and meet our little man.  we planned it a few weeks after his due date to give us some time as a family to adjust.  if he decides to come early, well that means he will just be a bit older when he meets some of our family and friends.    

after deciding on this type of celebration, i searched high and low for the perfect invitation.  i came up empty handed.  i was hoping to find something minimal, unique and sweet, with a cheap price tag to boot, but nada.  so i made my own.  i bought all of my supplies at paper source and hobby lobby and am pretty pleased with how they turned out!  it took just one afternoon of stamping a few cups to tea by my side.  i found the whole process to be soothing as well, and made sure to save one for his memory book.

price breakdown: 

paper bag cards and envelopes (i bought three packs for a total of 24 cards) = $12 

stork stamp = $8

for/date/time/place stamp = $7 (this will be reused for sure)

black ink pad = $4

gold dot washi tape = $6 

grand total: $37 for the 24 invitations and card-making supplies for future use.

i love that our invitations are one-of-a-kind.  it makes them extra special.  and how cute is that stork pattern!?  making our own invitations was super easy and such a good route to go if you want to save some money.  even stella got out her washable stamp pad and "helped" me out.  needless to say, we did not send hers out in the post! 

38/52

"a portrait of my children, once a week, every week, in 2013."

stella: she has been lining up our little pumpkins on the window sill ever since i brought them home.  she calls the big one a "daddy pumpkin", and the smallest, the "baby". 

baby boy: there is not much that fits me anymore and i am finding it hard to get comfortable.  this big, fluffy, white robe is my key to feeling good.  i just wish i could wear it in public!  i really, really do.  but on a happy note: we are two days past 35 weeks!!  this family is in uncharted territory and we are oh so happy about it. 

37/52

"a portrait of my children, once a week, every week, in 2013."

stella: i am not sure if it's her sassy stance or her suspenders and high waste shorts, but i think this photo of my sweet girl if my favorite to date.  she loves the zoo and all the lions inside. 

baby boy: we are 34 weeks.  little man is pushing out really, really far, as you can see.  there is real estate in there these days.  six weeks to go!   

on motherhood // preparing for baby boy

this belly of mine is no longer budding, it is burgeoning rather swiftly, as you can see.  i remember this rapid growth happening with stella once i hit thirty weeks.  you grow and grow and hit that indescribably pregnant stage where your husband's worn out boxer shorts are the solution to most problems.  as i assume most pregnant mama's will say, the third trimester comes with full force, and accordingly, so do the remarkable body changes.  my hips are widening by the day, it seems, and my rib cage is starting to swell.  i can see my cheeks and lips taking on changes here and there, and my feet...well i haven't seen them in awhile.  and then there is that pesky bout of insomnia i'm having and a whole heck of a lot of pre labor contractions that have made our couch my best bud.  yes, this stage is a hard one, but such a beautiful one, too.  it is the stage where everything is so tangible.  so real.  our family is about to get a little bit bigger and our sweet boy will be in our eager arms soon enough.  currently, i am taking each day as it comes, embracing the power and beauty of motherhood that is making a human being, my little boy. 

each night while andrew and i talk in bed we feel baby boy kick and poke around.  with our heads side by side, we talk about how in just a few weeks we will be snuggling him in the middle after stella goes down, a baby boy sandwich if you will, rubbing our noses on his itty bitty one and exchanging proud glances that we made him.  we express giddiness and excitement in getting to experience those newborn miracles all over again. the first bath, hiccup, yawn, smile, laugh.  the first time he will make a cute noise and what it will feel like to hold him for the first time.  

we are so ready to relive the infancy stage with our sweet boy and get to know him.  we already know he is a mover and a shaker, but will he prefer being swaddled like his sister?  will he be a picky eater?  i wonder how he will take to breastfeeding?  will he need gas drops?  what color will his eyes be?  hazel like his dad's or blue like mine?  will he prefer math to art and will he be a risk taker?  i mean, the curiosity and questions are endless and we talk about them around the clock.  the wondering is all part of this stage and the curiosity intensifies with each passing week.

this past friday marked thirty three weeks for us, which is just two shy of when i gave birth to stella at thirty five weeks a little over two years ago.  to think that there is the possibility of having this baby in our arms in just two weeks does shake me up a bit.  no amount preparation can make one ready for a moment as extraordinary and amazing as what we are about to experience.  how soon everything will change and we will not be able to imagine our lives without him.  

and i confess i am a bit nervous, too.  we visited the hospital the other day and were very impressed with everything we saw.  the NICU was greatly improved from when stella was in there, and the labor/delivery rooms decked out like you wouldn't believe.  seeing everything made me feel more comfortable, but there is still the nagging presence of not being in control.  stella came with such abrupt force that sent me into an emotional spin.  i know it could happen again, so there is that uneasy feeling settled deep in the pit of my stomach that it will this time, too.  oh, what i would give for some skin to skin contact right after he is born.  that would be a miracle. 

andrew and i are praying our little guy stays in there until we've reached full term, which would put us in to early october.  our actual due date is october 25th, so making it to the earlier part of the month would be swell.  in order to help keep calm until his impending arrival i have been doing my best to take it easy throughout the day.  that part i can control.  but boy is it ever hard being the busy body i am.  my doctor has advised, no lifting or super long walks in the heat.  here in kansas city is has been in the hundreds, so going to our favorite place of solitude in the park has been not much of an option for us.  movies and crafts on the other hand...  and i am pretty sure my doc. said word for word, "stick to basic hygiene and taking care of stella.  that's it.  you need to rest."  so there you have it.  i will be doing my best to relax and not push it too hard.  it really does not take much for me to feel like i've overdone it, so i must listen to my body with extra care and concern to protect both of us from going through early labor.  

to keep preoccupied, there has been a lot of reading new books on dinosaurs with stella, short (air conditioned) outings here and there to music class and the library, baby layette sorting, a recipe test here and there, and my new-found joy, knitting.  oh, you should see the scarves i've been making!  andrew thinks my next project should be a big grey blanket to cuddle under.  i think so, too.  he even asked me to teach him how to knit.  i married up, for sure. ;) 

speaking of knits, the other day i arranged all of our guy's sweet little autumn and winter sweaters and swooned over their tininess.  i am happy to say that everything is washed and ready to go, including our hospital bag this time around.  hoorah!  sorting through his many knits and such i imagine we will dress him akin to what my grandpa john wears: soft wool cardigans, classic white undershirts, tweed trousers, felt bow ties, and striped suspenders.  all around darling and utterly dapper.

as the weeks fade into days and we really start this baby countdown, i will keep on preparing both emotionally and physically.  giving birth is the most humbling experience i've ever gone through and something that takes a strong woman, on many levels that i feel go unshared for first time mamas.  i feel like this time around, i have a better expectation of what is to come because i do not have an expectation.  that is key and i wish all expecting mamas knew that.  i want to share that you need to put your faith in god that everything will turn out the way it was always supposed to be and that birth plans are for the birds!  seriously.  there is no real way to prepare for what one might experience, or a right way at that, but it is good to bring calm and strength into one's mind as the special day approaches.  for me, keeping any form of negativity at bay is ideal.  staying positive radiates and i strongly feel that our baby feels it when i am stressed.  the more grace i keep present in my life the more calm i think we both feel, and in turn will be thankful for in the long run of this pregnancy.  

it is important that we take the time to prepare for this impending change as a family, too.  stella is going to be a big sister and with that awesome new title will come some struggles for her, i am sure.  as times goes by, we will learn to balance and juggle these new roles of ours.  and like all things in life, it will be messy, but together we will learn how to navigate this beautiful journey of ours, helping each other along the way like strong families do.  it will involve many snuggles and belly laughs, along with tight bear hugs and frequent trips to the park to look at autumn leaves.  although i know there will be days where i use up a box of kleenex out of emotional drainage, i am confident that looking ahead lies a picture of happiness.  i see love in the picture that is shining forth like sunbeams.  i feel warmth from that image because i know i have taken the right path for me and that path has lead me to motherhood with my perfect partner to keep me strong, comforted, happy, and smiling. 

36/52

"a portrait of my children, once a week, every week, in 2013."

stella: this turkey climbed into her little brother's bed all by herself one day last week.  you think was proud of herself?  silly gal. 

baby boy: we got to see little man on the big screen this past week!  he is already weighing in at 5.2 pounds with the most delicious cheeks we ever did see.  they were plump on screen and he kept rubbing them with one of his hands.  we could not get a profile shot because of his positioning, but saw his cheekage full on.  i melted.  currently, he facing towards my back, head down and ready to go, with his tiny feet in my rib cage.  it's wonderful and i already love him so so much. 

35/52

"a portrait of my children, once a week, every week, in 2013."

stella: her monday morning little bear cartoon request was granted.  my nausea has been coming back slowly but surely throughout this last week.  anything that can help me get up and ready in the morning is wonderful, be it little bear.  which, by the way, is a darling show!  tiny, polite forest creatures having picnics and going on adventures?  winner.  

baby boy: i am eight months pregnant on the nose!  we are indeed in the final stretch and it is all so very exciting.  on friday we will get to see our little guy one final time before his birthday in october.  to say that we are anxious is an understatement.  i am counting down until i get to watch him squirm and wiggle on screen with andrew and stella at my side.  i will covet those precious moments forever.    

34/52

"a portrait of my children, once a week, every week, in 2013."

stella: if you happened to stumble on over to our home on a random weekday you would most likely find this going on: stella dressed in an array of my clothing.  she loves playing dress up from mama's closet and i am pretty smitten with her fashion shows.  

baby boy: here's little man in front of one of kansas city's pretty walls over in midtown.  it is large and blue and starry.  we happened upon it one afternoon this week and thought it would be the perfect place to show him off.  he's still all about kicking like a crazed soccer player and i love it.