today i leave for florida for a work conference for four days. i have been experiencing many little moments of anxiety about this for the past few days leading up till now. i can't quite come up with the right words to describe my fears or the proper phrases to outline the feelings that seem to accompany my worry, but i know that this feeling is not one i fancy and surely it must boil down to one thing: i will miss them. a lot.
last night i snuck into stella's room before tip toeing off to bed. i felt like i was breaking the rules as little kid being sneaky, but i had to go in there and pick her up. i couldn't resist. she was cuddled amidst many of her blankies sleeping on her tummy in a diaper...booty in the air and mouth open on the mattress. i reached down and scooped up her warm body that soon clung to mine. she nestled her little face in my neck next to my ear so i could hear her breathe softly. together we rocked and i soaked in the moment. she needs me, this little one. and i need her, too.
being a mama is the best blessing in the world. it had made my heart so unbelievably full, way beyond what i even thought was possible. i have eased into this role as a mama as if it was the one thing in life i was really meant to do. taking care of her, holding her, soothing her sadness, playing together, making messes, eliciting giggles, just all of it is so much better than i could have possibly imagined it would be. when i was pregnant, i knew i would love her, but one can never really understand that kind of love, that magnitude of love, until one holds their baby and feels that connection. it is love so deep and profound that it sometimes hurts. and this is one of those times. i just don't want to leave. i know i will be back faster than baby girl could say, "welcome home, mama!" but for some reason it feels like i am leaving for a month or more.
she has my heart, this one. as i walk on that plane i know i am leaving my heart behind in a happy little girl who loves to show the world just how big she is by raising her arms in the air when we ask her, "stella, how big are you?" my heart will be left behind in a little girl who eats blueberries like it's her job and who acts like she's got a doctorate in stacking wooden blocks. i know she will probably not even know i am gone, heck, she will have a blast with her dada and nana and not even miss me on single bit, but i will miss them terribly and think about them with every passing minute.
it will be hard not being there seeing those little arms outstretched in the morning insisting i take {and cradle like a newborn} all of her blankies before picking her up and holding her close as her eyes slowly adjust to the morning light. it will be hard not seeing that amazing case of bed head as we stroll over to have our cheerios together on the floor in front of elmo.
it pains me to think about not smelling that so familiar smell that just so "stella" every morning. i think will miss that the most. along with my cup of coffee in the am, i now need a good wiff of stella to start my day. i wish i could bottle that smell up and inhale it every other minute. there is no other smell like it and it warms my heart each and every time it tickles my nose. her scent alone turns sad days into happy ones and is a constant reminder that life is beautiful and worth being thankful for.
i will miss all of it, and i know there might be a tear or two, but i also know that having a little welcome committee there for me at the airport will give me something to look forward to and will help this trip fly by. in the mean time, there are pictures and videos fully stocked on my phone and a few new books in my bag. calling will always be an option, and of course, there will be ichat.
and by the way, i will be over here on monday with the beautiful lauren having a mama to mama conversation about babies, husbands, jobs, clothes, homes, and more! stop over and take a peek, and see you around in a few days.
ok...airport, here i come.
