recipe // cauliflower sheperd's pie

what a pleasant few weeks this has been.  after about a month or so of hosting we have had a solid string of days just to ourselves to rest and nest and really savor autumn.  we badly needed a reprieve from all things social and just time as a family to be together, doing things that ground us and makes thing flow smoothly, like family suppers and books before bedtime.  with all this time on my hands, i've been cooking up a storm and tried my hand at some new recipes.  during sunday meal planning awhile back i came across a recipe for shepherd's pie and it looked so tasty.  since we are trying to eat a little healthier, i decided to use gruyere cauliflower puree in lieu of mashed potatoes and it was a worthy substitution.  everyone licked their plates and i have since added this to my arsenal of healthy go-to meals.  one could easily make this vegetarian by substituting the meat for lentils or other legumes, which i think would turn out really well.

and on a side note, we had been having a difficult time getting theodore to sit still during meals and to want to eat everyone else was having for supper.  unlike stella, he became very attached to his bottle after i stopped nursing him, thereby making meal time sometimes stressful.  we decided to push through and not make him a separate meal, although sometimes that seemed like the far better option when we were at our wits end and pleading with him to fill his belly with something other than milk.  but the last three or so weeks have proven that our hard work is paying off.  he has been sitting with us for supper like he always has, but this time is trying everything on his plate, requesting more, and even handing me his dirty dishes at the sink when he's done.  even stella will now say, "look mama, he's eating everything now like me!" what helped?  i think a combination of things.  sneaking veggies in foods he lives, having him help stella and i when preparing our meals by doing simple things like stirring and throwing scraps in the compost, but mostly, pure diligence.  in the past he would pick at his food and requested his "ba ba" almost incessantly.  so we kept snacking to a minimum and tried to make supper fairly consistent by eating at the table roughly at the same time each evening as to build it into our routine.  our theodore now joins in and it is really wonderful.  for those who are struggling with picky eaters, keep on keepin' on!  stay consistent!  you got this! onto the recipe which, by the way, makes around four portions.  just double it if serving to a larger crowd.

for the savory pie filling: 

1 lb ground lamb or ground lamb
1 medium yellow onion, chopped
five to six large carrots, peeled and chopped
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 cup portabello mushrooms, sliced
1/2 cup english peas
1/2 cup sweet corn 
1/2 cup red wine, i used syrah and had myself a glass 
1-2 tbsp tomato paste 
palmful of fresh thyme, rosemary, and parsley chopped
olive oil
season with salt and pepper each layer as you go  

cauliflower topping: 

1/2 head of cauliflower 
1 clove garlic, minced 
1/4 cup heavy cream 
1 cup gruyere cheese
2 tbsp butter
pinch of sea salt and pepper
small palmful of parsley to top

to prepare the pie filling, saute the onions, carrots, mushrooms and garlic in olive oil until soft and caramelized, starting with the onions and ending with the garlic. make sure to season with salt and pepper as you go.  when veggies are done, deglaze your pot with red wine and add tomato paste, cooking for a few more minutes to cook off the alcohol.  off the burner and add peas and corn, and transfer filling to a big bowl and mixing well.  add your grounded meat and brown in the same pot you used to cook your veggies.  you can do this step first, just make sure to drain the oil and discard before proceeding.  chop and add your fresh herbs to the meat once it is done browning and cook it for a few seconds, releasing the aromatics.  mix the meat and vegetables together and put into a baking dish.   preheat the oven to 375.

to make the cauliflower topping, start by chopping up the florets and boiling them until tender.  when done, strain them and add everything along with the cauliflower into a food processor.  pulse until smooth.  you can always improvise here and add any cheese of your choice.  we happened to have gruyere on hand so i threw in a cupful of that.  i think parmesan would fair nicely.  smooth the puree over your meat and vegetable mixture in your baking dish, top with additional cheese and parsley.  bake at 375 until the cheese melts, so for about twenty or thirty minutes.  you can broil the top to make the cheese extra yummy if you have a broiler on your oven.  i recommend doing so because burnt cheese, oh yes.

and as promised, crock pot meals post coming up.  i've got some goodies to share.

here are a few other meals we've been loving:

jamie oliver's chicken in milk
ina's minestrone soup 
perfect pork chop
just a taste falafel with tahini sauce 

motherhood // why i love this stage

stella vivienne (at two months shy of four): because of her strong heart and driven spirit.  because of the things she says out of the blue that always make us pause and smile.  because her memory is a steal trap.  she will bring up things from when she was barely two years old, proving to us that travel is important even when they are itty bitty.  because she calls our dining room the "diamond room".  because she'll eat anything and everything we put in front of her, whether it be escargot or mussels from our saturday lunch at the neighborhood bistro.  because she giggles when she is getting cozy and how she loves her pink blankie more than anything in the world.  because she's the sweetest combination of fearless and shy.  how she carries herself through life at such young age inspires me.  because she never forgets a thank you and because she is always eager to help.  because she'd rather watch a cooking show than dora.  because of the way she marches to the tune of her own gorgeous drum in ballet.  because when she laughs it comes from deep within.  it is contagious her laugh. because she thinks dandelions are sunflowers.  and because she wakes up with sunshine in her smile, always.

theodore louie (at 18 months):  because he climbs on everything, dining room chairs, the coffee table, just everything.  he manages to seat himself at our dining room table like a big boy, loving life sitting tall and proud.  his determination is unshakable and he grunts his way to whatever he wishes to climb.  because he dunks toilet paper rolls in the toilet.  daily.  i do not love the act of him doing this, rather his determination.  such a clever little boy that always makes us laugh.  because he has three crooked front teeth from falling on our hard wood floors last month.  the way they turn melts my heart entirely.  because of that look he gives us just before doing something silly.  or the face he makes when we hears a dog bark.  because he pats our back when we hold him and cuddles in so deeply when we give him a bottle.  he is our cuddle bug and i could not love it more.  because to him, all animals are dogs which he calls, "doh!" out the window.  whether it be a squirrel jumping or bird flying, we hear "doh!" from our little green eyed bub.  because you can take one look at him and just know he's a busy boy.  always on the go, presumably thinking, "what can i get into?"

motherhood // reminders to myself

slow down.  put away distractions.  make a cup of morning tea and sip it while sitting.  watch your babies prance on the couch.  put a couple drops of lavender oil in their bath and make them giggle.  have a day where you only let him wear diapers and sun hats.  take lunch to the library or park.  watch them smile.  feel yourself smile back.  hold them close when they ask for snuggles.  hold them closer when they don't.  teach them how to read by flipping the pages one by one.  sit back, and watch them try.  get carry out for supper.  show them how to really eat chips and salsa.  hoist them up on your hips and belly and back, they are only so little for so long.  let her put your make up on.  let her wear your heels.  take time to show them little things like peeling a carrot or folding a towel.  let them run barefoot everywhere and wear snow boots on sunny days.  if she sees a puddle, tell her to go for it, laundry takes all but a minute.  slow down.  savor life.  hold onto these moments tightly.

motherhood // pregnancy reflections in my second trimester

it's rather hard for me to believe i am almost half way through my third pregnancy.  yes, almost half way!  it was not until i sat down a few afternoons ago, i mean really hunkered down, feeling the weight of my pregnant body sink into the middle of our couch, that i reflected on the gravity of where my life right now.  i am about to be a mother of three.  

sometimes i'll be going about my day and i'll unknowingly take a backseat view to my life, seeing things with a rather wide scope.  it is in those moments that i wish i had magical powers to "push pause" and let everything settle.  you know, just make things stand still for a bit so i can soak in every scent, catch every moment, and feel every ounce of all that is going on with this little family of mine.  my babies are growing up too fast (just like everyone else babies) and i miss the stages that are long gone, like nursing to sleep and stella saying "shockadile" instead of crocodile.  that is the bittersweet part of parenthood: just when your babes outgrow something adorable they surprise you all over again with a new sweet something that becomes the new favorite.

and just in case you haven't seen theodore on instagram lately, he's basically a teenager now.  i swear he just woke up one day and decided not to be a baby anymore.  how rude!

then there are other times on the opposite side of the spectrum where our life seems to be keeping the perfect pace.  where the rhythms of our chapters are on course, flowing just as they should.  i feel this way when i think about the little one that will join our family this summer.  god's timing is pretty great.

reflecting on pregnancy wells up a range of emotions for me.  i am sure i've said it before, but what an awesome and beautiful responsibility being pregnant is.  to think i have (almost) made three humans.  my goodness!  i feel blessed and grateful for having the opportunity to have grow and carry these little people.  i have found each pregnancy to be a humbling experience, each very different from the others, full of their own nuances and distinctions, giving me different feelings, different surprises, different joys, shaping me into the mother and wife i am today.

caring our third baby has been the most difficult physically speaking, but right alongside the tumultuousness has come the most surprising cadence of calming waves crashing my shoreline whenever i seem to need a solid reminder that although difficult, this process is so good and so beautiful.  here is an example of one of those calming waves: stella came up to me in bed the other morning and gave me a hug.  my contacts were not yet in, my eyes were barely open, but open enough to see her standing there in nothing but reindeer pajama pants.  my belly, now starting to round and fill out, grazed hers as she leaned in, gently reminding her that she is going to be a sister again.  without hesitation, she bent down and kissed my bare stomach.  twice.  and then she went about twirling on the floorboards of our bedroom, requesting cereal and daniel tiger.  it was short and sweet, yet still, i was left speechless and in tears.

i suppose what makes this pregnancy so much different from the previous two is that we get to share it with our other babies, namely three and a half year old stella.  this time around, stell is a big part of it all, loving and understanding that she will be getting a brother or sister this summer.  our oldest will be four right around when the baby is born and i am quite sure she will assume the role of "little mama" right away.  our sweet girl knows her world is changing and that as a big sister to a new baby, her role will take on new a meaning here in a few months.  i can't want to see that unfold.

not only does stella freely offer up smooches for my growing belly but she has become quite helper, too.  she accompanies me to the doctor's office whereupon she is given the very important task of holding the heartbeat monitor.  most of the time the sound coming out is made up of fuzzy frequencies as we search for baby's beating heart, but stella's sparkling brown eyes tell a different story.  "i am a big, big girl," they say.  "i am a helper.  i am important."  our doctor makes sure she feels included the whole time and you can tell how much she appreciates it by the way she carries herself afterward.  as we drive back home she'll tell me about that fast-paced beat she heard.  "bum bum, bum bum, bum bum," smiling all the while.  these moments shared with stella have impacted me so much as a mother.  they happen when i least expect it and carry me through the difficulty moments of nausea and exhaustion.  there's nothing sweeter nor more satisfying than seeing my babies engage with their fellow siblings, even if one of them isn't born yet.

despite having hyperemesis, i feel surprisingly more at peace being pregnant than i ever have before.  i am sure one big reason it is because my body is mostly familiar with all the changes taking place: restless legs at nighttime, a burgeoning tummy, shortness of breath, a general sleepiness throughout the day.  typical pregnancy stuff.  i knew these things were coming, and now that they're here, i have been able to transition much easier having felt this way before.  but i think the main reason for my calmer state is that my perspective on delivering our baby (and really the whole process of pregnancy in general) has taken on a much more accepting tone, contrasting my previous anxiousness surrounding my experiences delivering both stella and theodore.  i now know what to expect come june when our little baby will make his or her arrival in this world.

and by saying i know what to expect i mean that i know not to expect anything at all!  

both stella and theodore were born early and had to spend time in the nicu after i gave birth.  with stella i delivered early with no reasoning behind why.  my water broke in public while having dinner (at blanc burgers if you are local!  that was fuuuun.) and a few hours later she was whisked away to another part of the hospital, and not in my arms where i thought she'd be.  the whole experience was very difficult for me, for i had all these built up expectations: to hold my baby right away, to do skin to skin, breastfeed like they do on national geo, you know, all of the romanticized things they tell you about in baby classes.  none of that happened.  she was taken almost immediately by a team of doctors and nurses to the intensive care unit as i lay there in shock trying to make sense of a confusing and fast-paced situation, all the while wondering, "why wasn't my baby still inside my body?"  the first time we saw tiny stella was hours later, her little body covered in tubes and wires.  i will never forget that fragile moment, really seeing her for the first time.  it changed me.

when pregnant with theodore i went the route of taking weekly progesterone injections to prevent early labor.  it didn't work.  again, i delivered early and our little baby was taken away the nicu to recover where he would get help to strengthen his lungs before we could bring him home.  his journey into this world mirrored his big sister's exactly.  experiencing the same thing two times in a row was difficult, but it taught me a lot.

the overall helplessness i felt in both situations helped shape the way i view my current pregnancy, and i suppose many aspects of life general.  they have shown me a glimpse of the important life lesson: expectations can be pretty silly and you should probably get rid of them.  like right now, throw them away!  i've learned that if you set yourself up for perfection no matter the situation, disappointment will creep in, someway, somehow.  as perfectionist myself, this harsh reality has taken me longer to learn and is something deal with on a daily basis.  i have come to feel as though we can utterly exhaust ourselves with worry when making expectations for things that are completely out of our control.  i have done this so many times.  i did this throughout my first two pregnancies and was left feeling hurt and confused.  of course my heart swelled with joy at the birth of our children, but i think i let my devastation surrounding their delivery and recovery overshadow a lot of the early days and weeks after they were born.  through both experiences with stella and theodore, i've learned that i need to trust in god and know that what he is doing is best.  this is not something i leaned on then, but i am now and am grateful for having god in my life again.  trust, trust, trust.  may those words be a constant hum always in my heart, because doing so has brought about immeasurable calmness and peace as a mother, wife, friend, and daughter.

halloween 2014

andrew and i returned from our little trip to the caribbean just in time to enjoy halloween as a family.  this year, stella chose her costume.  after watching hocus pocus, which she hilariously calls "pocus pocus pocus," she decided classic was how she was going to play this game.  alas, we've had ourselves a little witch running about casting spells on us for about a week or so.  i have been turned into both a unicorn and a rock.  but because stella strives for originality, she insisted that an ordinary witch would not do, thus the laughing witch was born.  so we painted her little face emerald green and listened to her sweet cackle for strangers that coaxed her with their sugary treats.

and theodore.  oh my word.  he was all set to be a tiny, innocent turtle but as soon as andrew got home that changed real quick.  he scooped our darling boy up with one arm, whisked him away to our bedroom, and thus emerged a fierce one year mutant ninja turtle clad in arm, knee and a band.  this was one hard-core turtle, friends.  i had never seen anything so darn cute in all my life.  i think i spent the rest of the evening kissing his chubby ninja turtle cheeks and squealing in a high-pitched mama voice, "you are the sweetest little turtle, yes you are!"  lesson: dads know how to halloween.  and what do you suppose our ninja turtle baby did when we got home?  ate candy?  nope.  he fell asleep on our bed and slept through the whole darn holiday.  i secretly wished i could have joined him for the evening.

a first birthday party for theodore louie!

we had a sweet little party for theodore louie this weekend.  the warm sun warranted bare feet and shoulders and urged everyone to see things through squinted eyes.  our backyard, flooded with golden rays and melodies of the avett brothers, put us all in a cheery mood.  it was lovely.

our darling theo boy turns one early on this upcoming week but we chose to celebrate a few days early so some our our closest family members could take part.  they traveled from iowa to make his party extra special and i know it meant the world to him.

i kept things simple for this birthday: a nap-time crafted garland made from eucalyptus and found feathers, a gold crown, homemade pumpkin spiced apple pies (a mini smash pie for theo and one larger pie for us hungry adults), a few of his favorite wooden blocks, sugar cookies, a new tee pee birthday present from his nanas and papas, flowers picked from our neighbor's garden, and one giant white balloon for the birthday boy to play with.  the focus was set on spending wuality time together and less on elaborate party games and expensive decor.  in learning from the past, simpler is always better despite being the obvious, it being more manageable.  i am sure glad i went this route because it gave us more time to focus on family and just plain ol' hanging out together.

we set our little brown haired chap in his new fort and gave him his tiny homemade pie that i had baked earlier on in the week from apples we had picked ourselves.  he knew right what to do with it.  he dove in face first, as all pie lovers wish they had the tenacity to do, and showed that pie who was boss.  with an ever so sly grin and very present twinkle in his eyes, he licked his bowl clean and got pumpkin apple filling all over the place.  it even found its way in-between his darling baby rolls.  watching him in his new tee pee you could tell this was his best moment ever.  he was so happy.  glowing, even.  we looked on with grins ourselves, snickering as he fearlessly kept going back for more, lifting the wee tin to get as big of a bite as he could.

afterward, when there was no more mess to be made, i took him inside and hosed him off in the kitchen sink.  i washed the pie away and out came a clean and rather slippery baby boy.  a boy that wanted to cling to his mama in the warmth of his towel.  as i felt the weight of his chest fall onto mine i held him there, my almost one year old, whispering "i love yous" into his still wet ears.

happy, happy birthday sweet boy.  i love you, i love you, i love you.