on motherhood // preparing for baby boy

this belly of mine is no longer budding, it is burgeoning rather swiftly, as you can see.  i remember this rapid growth happening with stella once i hit thirty weeks.  you grow and grow and hit that indescribably pregnant stage where your husband's worn out boxer shorts are the solution to most problems.  as i assume most pregnant mama's will say, the third trimester comes with full force, and accordingly, so do the remarkable body changes.  my hips are widening by the day, it seems, and my rib cage is starting to swell.  i can see my cheeks and lips taking on changes here and there, and my feet...well i haven't seen them in awhile.  and then there is that pesky bout of insomnia i'm having and a whole heck of a lot of pre labor contractions that have made our couch my best bud.  yes, this stage is a hard one, but such a beautiful one, too.  it is the stage where everything is so tangible.  so real.  our family is about to get a little bit bigger and our sweet boy will be in our eager arms soon enough.  currently, i am taking each day as it comes, embracing the power and beauty of motherhood that is making a human being, my little boy. 

each night while andrew and i talk in bed we feel baby boy kick and poke around.  with our heads side by side, we talk about how in just a few weeks we will be snuggling him in the middle after stella goes down, a baby boy sandwich if you will, rubbing our noses on his itty bitty one and exchanging proud glances that we made him.  we express giddiness and excitement in getting to experience those newborn miracles all over again. the first bath, hiccup, yawn, smile, laugh.  the first time he will make a cute noise and what it will feel like to hold him for the first time.  

we are so ready to relive the infancy stage with our sweet boy and get to know him.  we already know he is a mover and a shaker, but will he prefer being swaddled like his sister?  will he be a picky eater?  i wonder how he will take to breastfeeding?  will he need gas drops?  what color will his eyes be?  hazel like his dad's or blue like mine?  will he prefer math to art and will he be a risk taker?  i mean, the curiosity and questions are endless and we talk about them around the clock.  the wondering is all part of this stage and the curiosity intensifies with each passing week.

this past friday marked thirty three weeks for us, which is just two shy of when i gave birth to stella at thirty five weeks a little over two years ago.  to think that there is the possibility of having this baby in our arms in just two weeks does shake me up a bit.  no amount preparation can make one ready for a moment as extraordinary and amazing as what we are about to experience.  how soon everything will change and we will not be able to imagine our lives without him.  

and i confess i am a bit nervous, too.  we visited the hospital the other day and were very impressed with everything we saw.  the NICU was greatly improved from when stella was in there, and the labor/delivery rooms decked out like you wouldn't believe.  seeing everything made me feel more comfortable, but there is still the nagging presence of not being in control.  stella came with such abrupt force that sent me into an emotional spin.  i know it could happen again, so there is that uneasy feeling settled deep in the pit of my stomach that it will this time, too.  oh, what i would give for some skin to skin contact right after he is born.  that would be a miracle. 

andrew and i are praying our little guy stays in there until we've reached full term, which would put us in to early october.  our actual due date is october 25th, so making it to the earlier part of the month would be swell.  in order to help keep calm until his impending arrival i have been doing my best to take it easy throughout the day.  that part i can control.  but boy is it ever hard being the busy body i am.  my doctor has advised, no lifting or super long walks in the heat.  here in kansas city is has been in the hundreds, so going to our favorite place of solitude in the park has been not much of an option for us.  movies and crafts on the other hand...  and i am pretty sure my doc. said word for word, "stick to basic hygiene and taking care of stella.  that's it.  you need to rest."  so there you have it.  i will be doing my best to relax and not push it too hard.  it really does not take much for me to feel like i've overdone it, so i must listen to my body with extra care and concern to protect both of us from going through early labor.  

to keep preoccupied, there has been a lot of reading new books on dinosaurs with stella, short (air conditioned) outings here and there to music class and the library, baby layette sorting, a recipe test here and there, and my new-found joy, knitting.  oh, you should see the scarves i've been making!  andrew thinks my next project should be a big grey blanket to cuddle under.  i think so, too.  he even asked me to teach him how to knit.  i married up, for sure. ;) 

speaking of knits, the other day i arranged all of our guy's sweet little autumn and winter sweaters and swooned over their tininess.  i am happy to say that everything is washed and ready to go, including our hospital bag this time around.  hoorah!  sorting through his many knits and such i imagine we will dress him akin to what my grandpa john wears: soft wool cardigans, classic white undershirts, tweed trousers, felt bow ties, and striped suspenders.  all around darling and utterly dapper.

as the weeks fade into days and we really start this baby countdown, i will keep on preparing both emotionally and physically.  giving birth is the most humbling experience i've ever gone through and something that takes a strong woman, on many levels that i feel go unshared for first time mamas.  i feel like this time around, i have a better expectation of what is to come because i do not have an expectation.  that is key and i wish all expecting mamas knew that.  i want to share that you need to put your faith in god that everything will turn out the way it was always supposed to be and that birth plans are for the birds!  seriously.  there is no real way to prepare for what one might experience, or a right way at that, but it is good to bring calm and strength into one's mind as the special day approaches.  for me, keeping any form of negativity at bay is ideal.  staying positive radiates and i strongly feel that our baby feels it when i am stressed.  the more grace i keep present in my life the more calm i think we both feel, and in turn will be thankful for in the long run of this pregnancy.  

it is important that we take the time to prepare for this impending change as a family, too.  stella is going to be a big sister and with that awesome new title will come some struggles for her, i am sure.  as times goes by, we will learn to balance and juggle these new roles of ours.  and like all things in life, it will be messy, but together we will learn how to navigate this beautiful journey of ours, helping each other along the way like strong families do.  it will involve many snuggles and belly laughs, along with tight bear hugs and frequent trips to the park to look at autumn leaves.  although i know there will be days where i use up a box of kleenex out of emotional drainage, i am confident that looking ahead lies a picture of happiness.  i see love in the picture that is shining forth like sunbeams.  i feel warmth from that image because i know i have taken the right path for me and that path has lead me to motherhood with my perfect partner to keep me strong, comforted, happy, and smiling.