on motherhood // our new chapter

i knew this post was would come eventually.  years ago, i thought about how i would feel in this moment...in this transition.  and i can say i am a little scared, but also quite happy to be making this announcement out in the big world of the internets.  so here goes.  i am jumping in with both feet and letting you in on some of my insecurities as our family makes a transition that will impact our lives in an immense way.

andrew and i made the decision not so long ago for me to stay home with our little ones once this school year comes to an end.  that's right.  i will not be coming back to teaching in the fall.  (insert oh-my-gosh-i-can't-believe-i-actually-typed-that voice).  and putting an exclamation point at the end of those declarative statements does not seem appropriate.  it's not like i am shouting, "sayonara public school!" in a ambivalent or even spiteful way, because i have really grown from this experience teaching thirteen and fourteen year olds and cherish my role as a teacher.  yes, even in middle school with unruly teens with their bucket-loads of drama and heaps of apathy i have learned more about myself than i could have imagined.

i have seen how beautiful young minds can work when given a pair of wings, and i have been awed by creativity from all types of students.  as an english teacher i have enjoyed giving the gifted students a challenge just as much helping those on the low tier learn how to read.  trust me, i have had some sour days, too.  but i have also had days that have moved mountains in my life, days i am forever grateful for.  i have also made some great friendships at work, and that is going to be difficult to say goodbye to.  this incredibly selfless team of teachers i work with has been my support through the thick and thin of every sad, scary, and humorously award situation you could dream up.  i've leaned on them so many times when days seemed to stretch into eternities and when teaching even a simple lesson just seemed hopeless.  they have been my saviors and teaching would have been near impossible without their help.  i will miss them.  

but in all, our family is ready for this change.  we need it.  with two little ones under the age of three, it will be so good for them to get to experience more of life out and about in kansas city with their mama as their guide.  together, we will go on adventures and i will get to teach them the ways of this complicatedly awesome world.  we will get to craft and cook and frolic through parks on random tuesday afternoons.  i will get to help bake cookies for neighbors and read more storied before bedtime.  i will be more present in my children's life.  more able to give and watch them grow.  how awesome is that.

but i cannot lie, i am admittedly super nervous to be a stay at home mama to our two babes.  with each passing day i ponder what will be our new life be like?  what challenges will i face?  what hills will i have to climb?  how will i handle this on an emotional level?  will i be good at this?  so many questions.  so many uncertainties.  so much unknown about how to juggle life with two kiddos at home on only one income.  

stella is going to have to adjust to this change, and i think about that often too.  she loves, and i mean, loves her babysitter and current lifestyle.  she says trish (her sitter's) name with the cutest pouty lips in the morning about thirty-five times in the car from the backseat.  and that's even before we've hit the highway.  along with her sitter, she adores her tiny friends, eli, sophia and jake.  she says their names at home give or take a dozen times each night as well.  she even has imaginary tea parties with them on her picnic quilt in her room.  i have enjoyed watching her make friends over the past two years with these sweet kiddos.  they are such important people to our dear daughter and each little soul has taught her so much about life.  i often wonder if i will be good enough to take their place?  will she get bored with me?  will she wish she still had trish, her sitter?  again, here i go with questions seeped in self-doubt.

i suppose insecurities are normal when going through a transition such as this.  my life will be focused 100% of the time on our children.  at work i go through my day with different distractions.  i have other things to zone in on and care about.  so herein lies another one of my worries: the lack of adult interaction as a stay at home mama.  i also worry that i will get restless and crave big people time apart from changing diapers and wiping snot off of, well, everything.  i know getting to spend each day with my little ones will be the best gift i could ever give myself and my family, but i do appreciate my creativity and cultivating that into various projects for myself as i do at work each day.  i thrive when put under a microscope of pressure, and get happy goose-bumps just thinking about creating a new lesson plan based on a classic piece of literature for my students.  so how will that translate into me working with a newborn and toddler?  will i start doing montessori activities?  will i still have some independent projects where i can grow on an intellectual level?  will i get bored?  i don't know.  maybe.  i do have a few ideas up my sleeve and some hopes for the future, but i need to do my research.

one thing i know for sure is that we will need to be on a schedule.  things will not flow or work well if i free-for-all it everyday, all day.  i know myself and i will go crazy.  my anxiety might just even get worse.  so a schedule we will have.  it will be fun planning that and using this summer as an opportunity practice our new life and see how i do with just one bambino as opposed to two, which will be here before we know it! 

so there you have it.  this change is going to be a big one but will bring many positive things to our life. it can't help but enrich it.  :)  being able to be there for our kiddos is going to bless our family and help it grow stronger and closer.  i just know it.  we are aware it will come with it's struggles i as find balance in my new role, and as we pay closer attention to our decreasing budget.  it will also be difficult not having a support system of teachers there to catch me if i fall, so i will have to establish my own team.  i will need a little army of mamas to hang with if i need to talk about period cramps, planting basil, and new soap scents at target.  because as cute as crayon and make-believe baby talk is, it can only take one so far.  but i am happy.  so very happy that this will be our new chapter. 

for those who are currently stay at home mamas that made this transition from working, what helped you cope?  any ideas would be appreciated, friends.  

oh, and i know the picture of stella above doesn't really go with this post but i love it.  she just happens to be a big fan of cured meats and she snuck some into our bed early last saturday morning.  such a little turkey, that one.