keeping above water

today i am finding it difficult to keep afloat.  the salty waves washing over my heavy, tired eyes is almost too much to bear as i cling to my tattered raft.  things keep getting added to my already too long to-do list, and lots of  red-tape type things keep trying to sink my flimsy boat.  rough waters indeed, rough waters.  

sometimes i just wish i could keep my sleeping body in bed for an hour longer and not have to go into work.  teaching english to angry thirteen year old children is the toughest thing i have ever had to do.  it drains me on every level each and every minute i am present as their teacher.  but i know students today need a positive role model in their life.  they need someone who is crazy passionate about learning and writing and reading and education and good manners and respect.  i am that person.  i know i am making a difference.  

but i am so tired.  

sometimes i find it hard to keep my own life in order when my days result in picking up others messes of which i am not responsible, and holding hands of those who often exhibit hatred and laziness on a level i am uncomfortable expressing.  i am talking about kids who lash out and roll eyes because they have never learned how to show kindness.  it's sad and awful.  and this is why i am tired.  and on top of it all, i am trying to teach how to use a semi-colon correctly and how to format a research thesis.  (whew)

and then i get home.  home to the place where i feel the most secure, not because of what it is filled with but who it is filled with: my family.  they make it possible for me to keep going when the going gets rough, when those disheartening waves try to pull me down.  

despite my loves' constant affection and support, i still feel like there is a bundle of bricks pressing down on my chest.  there are nights when cooking dinner seems physically impossible as my energy wains with each slice of a brussel sprout and turn of a wooden spoon.  yet i make myself forge ahead.  admittedly, i am the one who has delegated myself the role of "cook", among other things. 

there are evenings when i could cry because i still have laundry to fold and windows to windex and my contact keeps sticking.  ...nights when spilled milk feels like a stab to the kidney, and when bedtime can't come soon enough.  for mamas out there who work and have more than one child, you are a saint.  no, you are my hero. 

so it boils down to this: 

i have anxiety.  i am a perfectionist.  and i have, and will always have, way too much on my plate because that is what i choose. 

one thing i really wish i could change about myself is i wish i could just relax.  i wish i could STOP moving and just let it be.  that mess of toys strewn across the floor does not have to be picked up.  i need to understand that if i make a frozen pizza i will in fact survive, and that those dishes in the sink do not have to be washed right this second.  

i need to stop putting so much pressure on myself because it is not good for me.  i need to be willing to let others help and chime in.  and i need to trust that they will do just as good as a job as i, if not better.  i have never been good at this, perfecting the "i'll just do it myself" attitude.  and then there are larger issues, more emotionally difficult ones to expand on at the moment.  like trying to have another baby and that scary feeling that something is not working.  yeah, that's been really hard, too.

but relative to how bumpy life could be, i know i have it really good.  i am beyond blessed.  for the sake of my overall health, i need to keep that fresh in my mind when i get overwhelmed.  we are all currently healthy, happy, fed, bathed, housed, and loved.  life is very good.  so i need to hit the refresh button and keep that thought in the forefront. 

dancing the wild waltz of being a working mama proves to be more than i can handle some days.  when my anxiety builds, i need the reminder that i am a good mom.  a good wife.  a good teacher.  that i can do anything and surely not everything.  

i understand that this is quite a ramble, but seeing that words help me cope, and this space is mine to blabber on, i hope you don't mind too much.  i hope that other working mamas out there can somehow relate to my emotions and we can connect somehow.  i need girl time.  i need me time.  and i wish we could all just go grab a coffee and unwind a bit.  maybe talk about trashy tv or something.  tonight i am pouring myself a glass of vino and taking a bath.  i might just pour in an extra cap of stella's bath soap.  for bubbles, you know.