on a {very} personal note: just let go

i have started and deleted this post many, many times.  i have never been ready to write it.  it's a part of my life that i intend on keeping quite close, but something has transpired recently that has given me a new perspective on my situation.  i have my sister to thank, because a simple conversation we had turned into a mindset that i readily embraced, and to be honest, needed in my life.  like a thirsty corn field craving water in a drought, i have been yearning for a solution to my problem.  and like how all good things come into our lives, it happened when i least expected it.

without getting into the nitty gritty of this whole thing i guess i will start by giving you a few of the basics.  and for now, that's all i am ready to do.

1. i am adopted.

2. and i now know my birth family.

3. it's complicated.  for everyone.  and by everyone, i really do mean everyone in my life.  

ever since i was a little girl i have had this expectation of how things would turn out in my head.  needless to say, it was an expectation full of hope and happiness.  not that i was lacking any of that in my life, because i am beyond blessed with amazing parents and a gigantic family that love me like crazy.  but it was an expectation that was formed early on out of curiosity and wonder.  i suppose you could say i my mind was always racing with many burning questions that seemed to surface more frequently the older {and more hormonal} i got.  

and finally, over the course of a few years, i found out the answers.  

a lot of time has passed and things have transpired.  things i would rather not disclose because that makes my head hurt.  but let me just say, it is because of my sister {she is my sweet birth sister whom i have gotten the pleasure to call my good friend} and the conversation that we had that i have been able to just let go.  

as we walked along the plaza one afternoon on her visit to kansas city, she gave me a metaphor that stuck like super glue.  unknowingly like the little buddha she is, she compared my expectation about my adoption to a balloon that is tied to one's wrist.  

at first, it's wonderful having that balloon tied there so innocent and pretty.  but after awhile, taking that balloon everywhere, like out to dinner, to bed, on a run, to the grocery store, to the bathroom, in the delivery room, while cooking, etc. would become quite annoying and would even start to feel heavy, not to mention it would just look and feel ridiculously silly after awhile. 

so she said, all i needed to do was to just let go of it.  cut the tie, and set that expectation free.  there was nothing complex about her instructions, like taking my woes to therapy or some support group.  no.  it was something i could do on my own at my leisure.  i liked this.  

i am not sure of the exact moment of when i grabbed those sharp scissors and cut that string, but soon after this conversation i did.  and with gratitude i watched as it floated up high in the sky never to return again.  i watched as that balloon faded into the clouds and out of my life.  it was beautiful and freeing. 

expectations can be wonderful things.  they can gear you up and boost your spirits.  they can even push you towards positivity in a time of doubt.  but they can also press down your soul, burdening you in small ways that ultimately breeds anger and frustration.  

i was lucky enough to have someone tell me that all i need to do was to just let go.  she said all of this in a round about way, but for me it clicked.  i have read quotes on pinterest suggesting similar mantras, but it wasn't until someone actually told me to do so in their own words that i really listened.  

the reason i am sharing this personal part of my life with you is that if you have a balloon tied to your wrist, and you are tired of taking it with you everywhere you go, i want you to know it is okay to cut those strings and watch that balloon float up and out of your life.  sometimes, all it takes is a simple act to move a mountain, so to speak.  you don't always need a grand gesture to make a change.    

maybe someday i will be brave enough to type out my story, but for now, i hope this little slice of my life can be of some sort of inspiration to you.