motherhood // on giving

have you ever had one of those moments in your life, a collection of moments rather, where you start to see a puzzle forming?  those the edges appear to be frayed and the lines are quite blurred, but something is there off in the distance, slowly building itself and taking shape.

i have had these feelings lately, a culmination of signs and circumstances that have started to unfold into something large and meaningful in how i view my role as a mother.  i cannot pinpoint when these things started transpiring exactly, but just within the past few weeks i've noticed a theme of sorts swirling around in this mind of mine.  sparks were ignited when we settled into watch some documentaries over the weekend, when we sat in the balcony listening to the sermon at church, when the man came to the door wanting to shovel snow for a bit of cash.  as i look back, i now view these moments (along with many others) as part of a whole, rather than a mere sprinkling of random events popping up here and there.  i feel as though i've started to open my eyes a little wider and see that god has been asking something of me, something that i am altogether a bit uncomfortable with: giving beyond what's comfortable.

our pastor asked this question last week, "when have you recently found yourself saying, 'oh, there's nothing i can do!' in regard to giving or serving?"  i immediately thought, gosh...a lot.  there are many times in fact where upon hearing about an important cause or yet another donation opportunity or that bell outside of the grocery store that i clam up, take a few steps back, and retreat to where i feel comfortable, which is sadly in the other direction where it feels warm at first.  it's a place where you can feel safe because you're not taking risks or putting yourself out there to be hurt or taken advantage of. it's a place where you do not have to stretch yourself.  and not until recently i have regarded it as anything but safe, as if i am protecting myself from something.

at this stage in my life, i now am beginning to view this form of retreat and denial as toxic.  i mean, is this how i want my children perceiving me...as someone who finds comfort in looking the other way and making my excuses out of fear?

questioning myself in this way struck a cord.  by no means are we cold-hearted people, i can think of many, many instances whereupon we give and give.  but are we really pushing ourselves into a lifestyle that teaches our children the true importance of giving and helping others?  are we living mindfully so that our little learners, our babies, are soaking up all the goodness that comes from living a kinder, more generous life?  maybe a little bit,  but it seems like we just give when it's comfortable and to me, that's not enough.  we can do more.

what that looks like for our family i have no idea, however i am beginning to understand and really grasp there is so much more room for serving others in our lives.  i want our children to look back and remember times where they saw first hand what it was like to give, to help our community, to really practice generosity without gaining anything but full hearts in return.

and then there is that sticky balance of knowing how to serving others without wearing yourself out, for one can indeed grow weary in doing good, as silly as that sounds.  we are a family of four about to become a family of five, and that is a lot of work.  time alone is something we wish we had more of.  figuring out where and who and what to do with the precious hours we have each day is something that i am constantly considering.  there is a reason we cannot say, "yes yes yes, i'll do it, i'll help!" to everything.  the thought alone of being a "yes person" is draining.  i really believe, based on my personality alone, that we need boundaries to be healthy.  we need to be able to discern when to act and when to be silent.  we simply cannot do it all and that's more than okay.

that being said, i do feel that by making better choices, whatever that means, and nodding yes to a few meaningful things, one can stay true to themselves and practice giving without running the battery out.  whatever the recipe is for that healthy balance i'd like to know.  wouldn't it be nice to be able to open up a book and see the answer, bold faced looking back at us.  wait, there is a book for that.  that is why we have our faith.

i know that living a life serving others more mindfully and intentionally is something that will change as we do.  it will look different from week to week, month to month, year to year as our family organically flows down life's unpredictable path.  i am hopeful that there can be some sort of consistency and that it will come in the form of our positive attitudes.  our faithful demeanor.  our outlook, that there will always be something we can do.  even if it's just taking a moment to say a little prayer.  or to show grace to a friend.  or to drop of some "just because" flowers with your toddler.  because we are here for more reasons than the fruitfulness of only ourselves.

and so here i am at a crossroads.  or maybe just an open field.  seeds have been scattered throughout these cold bitter months and are waiting for the spring rain to come.  the ground is hardened and eagerly awaits the elements that will soften it, giving it power to grow.  as a mother, i continue to look for guidance on how to sort through these matters.  on how to grow healthily in areas i need stretching.  on learning to say "yes" to the right things.  and ultimately, how to be a better example to my children, so that they might really taste life and all of its beauty.